The Douchebag

I was talking with a good friend last week and we both agreed that the word “douchebag” really ought to make a return to more common usage. It’s a wonderfully descriptive term, and we both planned to start using it more. If you don’t believe me, say it now. Three times. (If someone’s nearby you can whisper it, it works just as well.)

Douchebag, douchebag, douchebag.

See what I mean?!

Just a few words to the wise: Don’t say it front of your kids. Don’t say it in front of your kids when referring to members of another political party.

I could say it was late in the day and late in the week, but really there was no excuse for my supreme idiocy. In my defense, I didn’t exactly use the word “douchebag.” No, I just said, “douche-y.” The conversation went something like this:

Efram: “But why would someone vote that way?” (Against funding certain social welfare programs, I won’t go into specifics.)

M: (Rational, reasonable, adult.) Often it has to do with geography. If it happens that you live far from neighbors, and far from a city where you might see all sorts of different kinds of people, you might not understand the need to help as much.

Me: (Tired, cranky, and having none of it.) Whatever. They vote that way because they’re douchey.

Efram: (Face lit up with the possibility of learning another illicit word) What’s douchey?

Me: What? I didn’t say that. I said, “tushy.”

Efram: But that doesn’t make any sense in the sentence. You can’t be tushy. What doesn’t it mean? Really? Tell me!

Me: Move on, kid. I’m tired.

Even though I have more than reached my quota of phone calls from school for the week, I am quite certain I will be getting a call tomorrow.

Even though I have been a political junkie since I carried my first (Dukakis/Bentsen!) sign, I don’t need to be a moron about it. Besides, don’t we want our kids to be better than us? Efram is already a far more advanced model of child than I was. Heck, he can play piano and swim butterfly (not at the same time, at least not yet).

In other words, just because I’m an intolerant douchebag, doesn’t mean he needs to be.

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