Derived from the term bitch-slapped. You know you’ve been bitch-snacked when someone points out that you’ve provided one of your kids with inadequately nutritious food.

Just last week I picked Sid up from school. The whopping six minutes that she spends at nursery school had once again flown by and I was once again on the late side of pick up. Her wonderful teachers are waiting with her and hand me her backpack.

“Sidney loved that cookie bar you gave her today.”

Cookie bar?

“… so much so that she didn’t eat a bite of her sandwich.”

I look at Sid. “What is a cookie bar and how did it get in your lunch?”

“It’s a power bar. I put it there.”

I smile sheepishly at the teachers. Why kind of crappy-ass mother doesn’t know what’s in her preschooler’s lunch?

“Oh, and let’s leave the pacifier at home next time, right Sidney?”


“I stuck that in, too,” Sid says.

Her teacher kneels down next to her and asks her if she wants to box up all her pacifiers and send them to a needy baby. Sid winks at me, as if to say, “I can’t believe people still try this.”

What I want to tell the teacher is that Sidney is a fifth child and is therefore lucky to be fed at all, even shitty little power bars. And I’m so worn out, that if she wants to walk down the aisle with a pacifier jammed in her face, I’m cool with it. Really. She has kept us up for seventeen nights in a row with a delightful blend of night-terrors, move anxiety and general two year old bitchiness. Honey, I am done.

Here’s what I also want to say: I JUST SURVIVED SEVEN YEARS IN SEATTLE WITHOUT GETTING BITCH-SNACKED ONCE! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I GET BITCH-SNACKED IN THE BRONX! I’M THE MUM WHO SCREWED UP THIS MORNING’S OATMEAL BY GOING OVERBOARD WITH THE CHIA SEEDS! THAT’S RIGHT, CHIA SEEDS! (Consequently, I was going to redeem myself yesterday, which was Sidney’s designated day to bring in fruit for the class. I’d show them what kind of mother I really am. But yesterday morning rolled around and I’d completely forgotten. I remembered minutes before school started and the only fruit we had in the house was a leftover bushel of apples from our apple-picking outing last week. I threw Sid in the car and we raced over to the A&P, which is disgusting and only sells fruit that looks like it’s been grown in someone’s toilet in the Bronx. I guess it’s at least local…)

But I say none of that. I’m so glad that Sid has somewhere to go that isn’t with me, even if it is only for 6 minutes, that I’m willing to be bitch-snacked every day of the school year. I smile at her teachers, who I really do adore. I give an extra big grin to Virginia. Sid can’t pronounce her name, and calls her Vir-ginger, which is a whole lot better than the name the kids suggested at home.

I’ll keep that to myself.


Filed under children, food, school, Uncategorized

70 responses to “Bitch-snacked

  1. Linda Kaufthal

    You are a scream!!!!!

  2. OH my gosh. This is my new favorite term. Hilarious!!

  3. I am just hopeful that my son doesn’t tell his teachers what he has for breakfast. Or that they don’t believe him. He is usually up and downstairs before me, and will often fix himself something: a handful of cheese, anyone? He’s 5, but if he wants something, he’ll have it. Good on Sidney for going for what he wanted!!

  4. branstonpickle

    Ha! My 2.5-yo calls Clif Kid ZBars “cookie bars” too, and prefers them to normal food. I just figure she’s being efficient. 😉

  5. Tracie Don

    When my eldest was 6 month old she fell off the weight chart for normal children. Several genetic tests, specialist appointments later, I’m given over to a dietician. My kid was fussy and didn’t want to eat anything, so I was told to feed her what she would eat. Peanut butter and jam was all she ate for the next two years. Should have seen the comments I received from people. I followed doctors orders, no risk for diabetes at this age. Peanut butter is good protein?? Better than cookies and candy. Seems, someone out there thinks they have a degree in Doctoring, without attending school! LOL

  6. ah, jeez. STFU, Parents shared this post on facebook. you’re gonna be flooded. great writing!

  7. I love this post. Well done!

  8. Bro

    Bahaha! Love it!!! People can be so judgy and it’s annoying.

  9. Anonymous

    Do you really have 5 kids?

  10. Fellow Bronx-ite here. You are in a no-win zone, unfortunately :). I get bitch-snacked for supplying my two year old with snacks that are either called out for not be veggie-centric enough, or too heavy on the fruit and not heavy enough on the giant bags of cheetos, depending on the babysitter/event. I have also been stopped on the street and publicly scolded for giving my daughter a pacifier, taking my infant out on a 75 degree day without a hat and blanket, and “forcing” my husband to carry “my” baby. The people of the Bronx love to impart helpful advice :).

  11. Geez, how ’bout leaving the parenting up to the parents and she can stick to teaching how to pick up the blocks at clean up time.

  12. Taylor

    You are the type of Mum that I want to be 🙂 haha

      • Taylor

        Hahaha… Seriously though, I can’t stand all those self-righteous Mums who judge other Mum’s. ‘Mombies’ as they call them on STFU, parents. I work in a baby furniture store, and I see these sweet innocent first time parents come in for their very first look at baby items. 6 months after baby is born, the next time they come in, they’ve morphed into crazy bitches who think they know everything. Motherhood gives a lot of women this sort of confidence that they can just treat people like shit and think they’re the best mother in the world. You don’t seem to be like that, and it’s a refreshing change from the type of mother’s that I have to put up with on a daily basis.

      • Thank you. And yes, I assure you.. I’ve never, not even for a second, thought I was the best mother in the world. I make do.

  13. riamachia

    Our 4yr old loves Z-bars, especially the chocolate chip cookie & brownie flavors. I’m pretty sure they’re still better than a QO chewy bar.

    As an ex-daycare teacher, I’m curious why (if they have a problem with it) they let her eat it before her sandwich. Were they not monitoring? Sheesh.

  14. DirectorMeg

    Yusssssssss. I run a child care facility and a) if you send more than hot cheetos and a coke you’re good in my book. A protein bar is overachieving if you ask me, but definitely efficient plus b) those teachers have seen much weirder things than pacifiers. I swear to heaven above we had a kid sneak a Lego death star out of his house and in to Camp one day! We were all at a loss on that one.

    Keep on truckin!

  15. I cannot tell you how much I love this post! I also have five children, and our youngest is lucky to be fed as well!!! haha He’s also lucky he was born with a super immune system b/c while the other four were taken to the doctor for every little sniffle, poor Jax gets his shots late and rarely shows up for a bullshit well-child exam. I’ve had four other kids…I know when they’re well, and there is nothing wrong with my little monster. Bitch-snacked, not sure that’s happened to me but I have been given the stink-eye many times for not controlling Jax as others think I should. And it’s like, really? You come control him if you think it’s so easily done! I’m tired and if he’s not hurting himself or someone else I’m just going to sit here! haha Love, love, love this post!

  16. I’ve raised 3 children, before the days of ‘organic’ this, and ‘gluten-free’ that. They had days where they didn’t get all of their daily-recommended fruits/vegetables, and sometimes we had JUNK FOOD! The horror! And guess what? They all grew up to be healthy, bright adults. Only food allergy is the chicken allergies my 24yo son developed in adulthood. Back in those days, we knew what was healthy, but we weren’t crucified by the Sanctimommies when we weren’t completely fabulous. I say, “Carry on!”

  17. mguerard

    That is so perfect. What a terrific piece of writing.

      • mguerard

        I am 58, so my kids are now grown and in therapy … but I remember like it was yesterday the feeling that I was never getting it right. One kid’s third-grade teacher had to tell me to stop talking to the kid about the nasty-gram notes the teacher was sending home. The kid kept forgetting this or that, or failing to do homework. The notes freaked me out totally. The teacher said, don’t worry about it. What a kindness. The kid was valedictorian.

      • It’s an overwhelming feeling. Thanks for reminding me that you can come out on the other side of it. And kudos to the valedictorian and his mum!

  18. I once had a blog called “love hate being mom” and got so many self-righteous comments about how horrible my blog was and how could I hate being a mom, that i shut it down. I am amazed at your self-confidence and totally in love with your blog and parenting style!
    ~A Seattle Fan

  19. Who cares if your kid has a pacifier-can we say judgmental?! In my mind that was a bit over the realm of her needed opinion.
    Yeah box those pacifiers up with her giant soap box!

  20. Reg

    From your experience, do Cheetos and granola cancel each other out?

  21. Anonymous

    Mine is in Sid’s class and I got bitched snacked today too – hence another parent told me about this post. fwiw – mine has the same name for V. and i think her older brother has the same name your other kids do to for her. And lucky for me – they don’t know about her pacifier!

  22. KC

    I survived 3 kids, now I’m helping to corrupt my 6 grandkids. I think you’re doing great if you got the kid & the packpack both to the same place at the same time! And there was something in there for lunch? BONUS!!

  23. Anonymous

    How about the round-about bitch-snack? Apparently my wife gets bitch-snacked even though I made the lunches. They assume she did it. Because, in 2013, why would anyone but the mom make lunches?

  24. misty

    I love your post. I am a nanny to 3 children plus the mom and dad. I was sick and mom had to get kids to school and she sent them chips and juice and I got bitch-snaked by the teachers the next day

    Keep up the good work 🙂

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