I know this much to be true:
1. If you are a nine year old girl, you should NEVER prank your older brothers.
2. If you are a nine year old girl, you should NEVER prank your older brothers if they are slightly unhinged and given to manic fits of vengeance.
3. If you are a nine year old girl, you should NEVER prank your older brothers if they are slightly unhinged, given to manic fits of vengeance, and there is a bucket of crushed garlic in the house.
I think it’s safe to say that I blame Costco for much of this. Costco and our gene pool. Someone thought it would be funny to prank her brothers by pulling a trick from their playbook and putting saran wrap on their toilet.
Said nine year old was ratted out by a witness before anyone peed on saran wrap. Many hours later, when her brothers were actually babysitting and she could not figure out why her room smelled so foul, she learned that they had EMPTIED A JAR OF CRUSHED GARLIC INTO HER BED.
That is because there was garlic under the sheets, on the mattress, in the pillow cases, and once I began to toss sheets hither and yonder, there was also garlic on the floor, under the bed, and shortly thereafter, all over the laundry room.
While I was definitely not yelling at them, I asked them both what possessed them to be such complete and utter asshats.
Child: “She has to know when you’re pranked you have to fight back with a bigger, meaner, crazier prank.”
Me: “Yes, you do. Unless you are getting pranked by your nine year old sister and she just wants some attention.”
They felt awful. I didn’t yell, not because I didn’t want to (sadly, I always want to), but because I didn’t have to. I left them on their hands and knees (in the company of a poor friend who happened to be sleeping over) scrubbing the floor, windows wide open, fans blaring.
I did several loads of laundry. It turns out that it takes a few runs in the wash to get garlic out, and if you happen to wash garlic, you will be smelling it everywhere for days.
I believe there was also a Costco-sized can of Pam involved, but I am trying not to think about it.