It was inevitable. Although I made it through seven years of the Pacific NW with my sense of humor (somewhat) in tact, it seems that I am not unchanged.
A part of the house hunting process here in NY involves a romp through the garden for a place I can house the compost bin of which I have been dreaming.
And just recently I went and bought myself a nut bag.
A nut bag is surprisingly, not something one would purchase in a sex shop.
You see, it’s no longer annoying to just drink almond milk. Hell, everyone is doing THAT. Now we get to kick it up a notch: There are so many additives (blah, blah) in store bought (gasp!) almond milk, that to be even more annoying, we now need to make our own.
To make your own almond milk you need a nut bag, or else the finished product is sludgy, gritty, and overall undrinkable… at least more so than a glass of milk made from nuts needs to be.
At first, though, when I poured all the almond milk from the blender into the nut bag, it just sat there. Why was so little of it dripping out?
I asked a friend.
Did you SQUEEZE the nut bag, she asked.
Squeeze it? I could barely bring myself to purchase the bloody thing, let alone say it. I’m not about to go squeezing it.
But you have to squeeze the nut bag if you want to get almond milk. So, I did. I just made sure nobody was watching.
I also made sure (as I like to do), that in making my own almond milk, I sullied as many items in the kitchen as possible:
All this in the same week I had to walk into Dick’s (Sporting Goods) and ask for an athletic “cup.”
“For you?” the teenaged employee asked me awkwardly.
I thought of telling the poor, spotty soul that one nut bag a week was enough for me, and that I was buying this for one of my sons, but I just mumbled something about a child and he led me to the corner of the store where they sell things to protect body parts. The whole thing was a tad uncomfortable for me. I didn’t like having to ask how one wears a cup, or how one knows what size to buy (note to self: DELEGATE), but I did it. And the child in question was so grateful that he truly said to me:
“WOW! You took time out of your busy day to buy me a cup?”
Indeed, I did.