Category Archives: Seattle

CAN A HIGHLIGHTER KILL ME?

A certain jet-lagged eleven year old texted me from school:

“Can you pick me up from school. Got highlighter in my mouth and now my stomach is really hurting.”

You will be shocked to hear that I ignored him. And then, hours later, another text finds it’s way to me:

“When are you coming?”

I organized a retrieval, albeit only 90 minutes before the end of the day. (Nobody wants to feel like a complete patsy. Least of all me.)

Kid was just fine. Once I got him home, within the vicinity of both the fridge and the TV, I never heard another word about the offending office supply. 

I did, however, find him doing some research later that day:

“CAN YOU DIE FROM EATING A HIGHLIGHTER?”

  

I still have no idea how said highlighter ended up being consumed.

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Filed under Boys, Jet lag, New York City, Seattle

Oh, Nuts.

It was inevitable. Although I made it through seven years of the Pacific NW with my sense of humor (somewhat) in tact, it seems that I am not unchanged.

A part of the house hunting process here in NY involves a romp through the garden for a place I can house the compost bin of which I have been dreaming.

And just recently I went and bought myself a nut bag.

A nut bag is surprisingly, not something one would purchase in a sex shop.

You see, it’s no longer annoying to just drink almond milk. Hell, everyone is doing THAT. Now we get to kick it up a notch: There are so many additives (blah, blah) in store bought (gasp!) almond milk, that to be even more annoying, we now need to make our own.

To make your own almond milk you need a nut bag, or else the finished product is sludgy, gritty, and overall undrinkable… at least more so than a glass of milk made from nuts needs to be.

At first, though, when I poured all the almond milk from the blender into the nut bag, it just sat there. Why was so little of it dripping out?

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I asked a friend.

Did you SQUEEZE the nut bag, she asked.

Squeeze it? I could barely bring myself to purchase the bloody thing, let alone say it. I’m not about to go squeezing it.

But you have to squeeze the nut bag if you want to get almond milk. So, I did. I just made sure nobody was watching.

I also made sure (as I like to do), that in making my own almond milk, I sullied as many items in the kitchen as possible:

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All this in the same week I had to walk into Dick’s (Sporting Goods) and ask for an athletic “cup.”

“For you?” the teenaged employee asked me awkwardly.

I thought of telling the poor, spotty soul that one nut bag a week was enough for me, and that I was buying this for one of my sons, but I just mumbled something about a child and he led me to the corner of the store where they sell things to protect body parts. The whole thing was a tad uncomfortable for me. I didn’t like having to ask how one wears a cup, or how one knows what size to buy (note to self: DELEGATE), but I did it. And the child in question was so grateful that he truly said to me:

“WOW! You took time out of your busy day to buy me a cup?”

Indeed, I did.

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Filed under children, cooking, food, health, moving, New York City, parenting, Seattle

Snow Job

Yesterday it snowed. Because all of Seattle would come to a polite, but screeching halt with an inch of snow (and because snow in LA is as common as visible signs of aging), after fifteen years on the west coast, I’d never really had to drive in it.

Not so in New York City.

I told a friend that I was going to cancel an appointment I had later in the day and she looked at me as though I had just said, “I’m sorry. I’d open that jar of baby food and feed your starving infant, but I’m afraid to chip a nail.”

Still, while I was prepared to brave the elements, my minivan was not. I piled out of the driveway and immediately got stuck on this hill:

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(Do not judge. Yesterday it was covered in snow.)

I’m not sure how, but I got the car back in the garage and walked Sidney to school, which means I carried her after she fell in the snow and soaked her capri pants (again, with the seasonally inappropriate clothing).

The kids wore themselves out playing in the snow after school (that’s right Seattleites: School!) which meant we only had to yell at them for 30 minutes to get them to sleep instead of the usually 90. (When the annoying gratitude people get me to make a list, remind to say bedtimes on snow days.)

Still, I was once again up before the sun. Sid seems to have shifted her DPT to five-something in the morning, because she trotted on in and asked me to watch her do it. I told her that if she’s blessed enough to have a Daily Poop Time, she should have the good sense and decency not to request a bloody audience.

Before I knew it, she and Fi were in our bed, fighting because someone’s feet were touching someone’s leg.

Wars have been fought over less, I’m sure.

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Filed under children, New York City, school, Seattle, Uncategorized, weather, winter

Rain

Today was the first rainy run I’ve had since we’ve been in New York… So I don’t feel badly telling you that last week M told me that he’d been checking the weather forecast on his phone and even though it kept predicting rain, we never saw any. Day after day of blue skies came our way instead. It turns out that the weather on his phone was still set to Seattle.

Go figure.

Here is Riverdale in the rain.

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It’s gloomy all right, but so far gloomy is still pretty novel in these parts.

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Filed under children, New York City, parenting, Seattle, Uncategorized, winter

Snow Shoes

My clever running partner in Seattle just sent me these:

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Apparently they will turn my sneakers into snow shoes once the abominable NY winter is upon me.

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Not amused. The temp is already dropping, and while it’s still sunny and crisp, I know what’s coming is going to (in some sick, sick way) make me pine for the mild piss-fest that is a Seattle winter.

Or not.

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Filed under New York City, running, Seattle, Uncategorized, winter

Don’t shit where you eat.

M says that after the bitch-snacked post went mildly viral (or at least by my standards; over 9,000 hits on the blog just yesterday!), that I have to make sure I follow up with something really funny.

But, you see, M has also been known to say that I may not have anything humorous to write now that I am no longer Suffering in Seattle.

I don’t know if this is funny or not, but rest assured, there is still a fair amount of suffering happening.

See this?

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No, an elephant didn’t take a shit in my sink. This, my friends, is what life without a waste disposal looks like.

I know there are people living happy and productive lives all over the world, and right here in NYC, without the use of waste disposals.

But when you’ve gotten used to one, and when you’ve cooked for seven without having to stick your hand down into the bowels of the sink and pull up handfuls of shnasty scum, you really, really don’t want to go back.

I suppose I traded pissing rain, way too much fleece, and suffocating earnestness for nineteenth century plumbing.

Worth it?

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Filed under children, home improvement, New York City, parenting, Seattle

Seattle.

In the end, it was hard to leave.

When the house you think of as this …

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… looks like this… IMG_2492[1]

It’s hard not to get a little sad.

The weather hardly made matters easier. I mean, what the f***, Seattle? You decide to host the most glorious summer on record right as I’m about to check out? Each year I suffered through the most craptastic summer the Pacific NW had ever seen (that is, until next year’s version), but this year, my swan song summer, I get day after day of uninterrupted, balmy sunshine with nary a piss-down in sight?

(Consequently, we are vacationing in South Carolina where it is pissing down an angry, southern rain.)

In the end though, it’s the people you leave behind that make the move the hardest, especially when those people are your children’s friends. There really is nothing so awful as watching four year olds hug and cry as they say goodbye.

Even though I may have complained about it once or twice while I was there, I learned a thing or two while spending almost seven years in Seattle.

Some things I could have learned anywhere:

— Your husband may never be truthful about how you look in those jeans, but your kids will relish the chance to tell you that they make your butt look big.

— Unpleasant children have at least one unpleasant parent.

— Thunder Road is the greatest song ever written. (Okay, I knew that before.)

— Short arms are either a sign of a remarkable untrustworthy person or a fiercely loyal one.

— Good tonic is equally as important as good gin.

Some things I could have learned nowhere else. (Ok, maybe Portland):

— A nut bag is not something you can only buy in a sex shop.

— Chia seeds will turn your smoothie into gelatinous mush.

— Hemp is itchy.

— There is apparently a difference between daytime and evening fleece. (Daytime = patterned)

— If a woman’s mustache hair touches her upper lip, it’s permissible to mention it.

— If she is tattooed, I wouldn’t mention it at all.

—  A woman who brags about how much time she likes to spend with her children will one day end up poisoning them.

On our way out of town Bennett said, “Wow. You guys went to LA to have three of us, and then came to Seattle to pick up Fi and Sidney. Now that we are all here, we can start life in New York.”

That’s one way of looking at it. I wanted to tell him that the adventure really started in Jerusalem where daddy and I accidentally picked up each other.

But that’s another story entirely….

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Filed under children, moving, New York City, parenting, Seattle, Summer, Uncategorized